7 April 2014, 18:58 just above Indian Ocean. I currently on my way to return to my duty in UN mission as peacekeeper. It is exactly 3 weeks after I gave a nod to the doctor to take off the life support equipments. It is 3 weeks after your last breath. It was the hardest decision for me in my whole life. I wish I could switch place with you. Looking at you with all that equipments was really hurting me. Can not do anything to help you was more painful. Nothing but prayers that I can do for you Nak. 
My dear daughter Clara, I don’t know what to say, no words can really describe my feelings now. You were my star, my hopes, you were the love of my life. The look in Your eyes fuel the spirit to live. Your smiles, your positive attitude energised me whenever I’m low. Your kindness and attentiveness, brought the ideas of better world to live to surface. 
When your eyes shut, and the lights down, I really feel my whole world has collapsed. I did feel I’m at the lowest point and it kept dragging me. It was as if I came home only to burry you. I was glad, in a way Allah almighty gave me the chance to visit Baitullah and send my prayers there. he also gave me the chance to be with you in your last days. 
I’m not trying to analyse my self. People told me to be strong and carry on with life. Its hard and I am trying to do it. I know you want me too. jotting down my thoughts and feelings, helps a bit to go through this difficult time to ease my pain and grief. Your mom, your little sister may have their own things to deal with this loss. I will need to deal with my self and to help them also. I pray to God to give me strength and patience to go through all of this. 
I apologise to all friends in a way that reading my notes will make you emotional. However. I thought this is one of my mechanism to deal with my grief and loss . #rememberclara #moveon #mynotes #newchapterofmylife